HAS A THING FOR COFFEE, LIP PIERCINGS AND FRESHLY PAINTED ROOMS :D

20071117

BASS. LOVE. BYE.

~♥~

20071116

最後の

{ Words You Kindly Refuse Me }

My Love, you once had the world under your feet.
_______You once had fame attached to your name.
_______You once had everything others would die to have.

My Love, you are now but a fallen rock star.

Detaching yourself from the people who loved you (but barely knew you),
_______leaving behind the wealth that was readily available to your hands,
_______leaving behind the fame and recognition,
_______leaving behind your band and what was your passion—

—most of all, leaving behind a legend.

You left all of that behind and decided to move into my humble apartment. Someplace that was never worthy of an A-list rock star.

But you said it didn’t matter.

I was with you during the prime of your life, the peak of your career, before that, as well as after. You said it was enough; it was incomparable to the size of my apartment.

I watch you silently as you sit on the couch alone, watching the videos of your heyday over and over again. Back then, you were almost God-like; a voice of full of power, a smile full of charm on your porcelain face, an attitude brimming with confidence. You gripped the audience’s attention like a vice, sending them to their knees at every command.

I’ve seen how those watching you cried, losing every sense of control they had.
I’ve seen how they transformed into savages, fighting for a fraction of a second of euphoria, even if it was something as minutely momentarily as having a bead of your sweat on their fingers.

They dubbed you and your band as the Invincible, only meant to soar forward.

You brew your songs like broth, piecing together the music slowly; rhythm and foundation first and frills later, selecting words for your lyrics meticulously like picking spices.

The band produced music that reverberated through each and every soul, while your voice could shake every atom of their being.

Even the silence within your songs could be jarring.

There was a voice that could make every note sung, special; and every scream, haunting.

But one day, you noticed a change.

Crystal clear notes that were once powerful went weak. Perfectly haunting screams were now low, filthy, rough, jagged, ugly, off. Within the voice there were traces of confusion, insecurity, and disgust. Reluctance in singing the melodies accumulated.

It was something that everyone including you, could not comprehend.

And then you fought with yourself. Tormented by what you couldn’t accept, you wanted to leave.

The last thing you said (to me):
“I hate my voice.”

The very last of that voice was one of desperation, one of shame, and one of utter abhorrence.
After that, all went silent, and there was nothing more.
I saw your decision to silence that voice coming.

You were probably ill and you didn’t know it.

You created a new life of your own; you learnt to live a life where you could survive without speaking.

I crawl into our bed next to you just before we turn in and like how I would every night, I run my hand through your disheveled hair telling you softly,

“I love you,”

And waited.

Waiting in hope that you’ll repeat the same words back to me
(Those words you last said four years ago)
Waiting in hope for an assurance, a reply, anything.

Nothing.

They were words that were the hardest, and not like me to say them, but I obliged anyway.

Securing me in your embrace, you tuck me into bed and hold me as we sleep.

I often wondered if our love had withered
______________________________away
________________________________with your voice, along with
___________________________________your dying passion for music.

It was more resignation than disappointment. Four years in and I came to believe that it was possible for one to totally forget how to speak, how to operate an organ in the body that has been left untouched for so long.

I couldn’t understand, and I never did seek to.
You and me, we didn’t work this way.

Yet in the dawn of the next morning, like every single morning when we would lie in bed, I wake and find you already up before me. Sitting with your back against the headboard, I often catch you like this, deep in thought.

The sunlight spills in through the window and catches the pale of your skin of your beautiful face. Your eyes, glazed like frosted glass, bore no emotion. It’s almost peaceful and calm. But I knew, just like a frozen lake, beneath the still surface, you were alive. Every bit of you struggling, writhing with the cruel fact, trying to think just how to breathe right.

Like every morning without fail, I greet

“I love you,”

And wait for your reply.

Something stirs within. Like a sudden twitch, imperceptible, if one hadn’t been paying attention when it bolted past (for it gives no second chances).

You loathe,
You detest,
You absolutely hate not being able to say—

Removing the covers, you silently get out of bed and head out of the room.

Labels: etc, muse, write

20071115

'cuse me while i mope/bitch/whine

fucking sardine cans randomness.

don't wanna give a piss about all this fookin' trash anymore. so physical distance still does have its advantage huh. i thought that was so yesterday.

i detest, and am downright fucking tired of being placed something-other-than-top-priority on everyone's list. i'm sick of being never good enough to be number 1. even when it comes to the person i care the most about and i thought i had some kind of important position, upon realising that i'm still fucking number 2 (or lower), i wonder why i go to such great lengths just to... ugh nevermind. do what-the-fuck-ever you want then. have fun kthxbye.

i feel like the biggest fool ever. makes me want to curl up in a corner and die.

ok i have issues with being posessive; i should keep a pet then i'll have it all to myself oljio;lj;j;ljkmlknlo;;ljoiho;nk.

Labels: ):, etc, shit happens

20071113

say yes and all will be fine

two episodes into the show Dragon Zakura, and i feel like... shit?

the drama's supposed to be a comedy, but it's not all about humor. i actually feel a dull resignation towards it, and towards the reality of life in general.

the skinny:

Ryuzan high is a famous school for the 'stupid' and the 'losers'. currently it faces bankruptcy, and while the chairman of the school is totally useless, the teacher's only care about themselves (and losing their jobs; they can hardly be called educators). the average score of the students from Ryuzan high is 36, while the average score of the prestigious school beside Ryuzan high is 75. the teachers think that the students are hopeless, yet at the moment they are more concerned about losing their jobs if the school closes.

this lawyer, his name is Kenji, is in charge of this school and this case but he wants to help the school out of crisis. so, he becomes like a 'teacher' and creates this re structural programme for the school by forming a special class. students in this special class will be aiming for Todai, the best university. he had actually brought up the idea of this programme in an assembly (where hardly any of the students were listening) and he was all direct about it, calling the students 'losers' and saying that society is such that the intelligent writes the rules of a society, and it will work to their benefit. therefore the stupid will always lose, they will always be cheated (stuff like insurance, taxes, interest etc). the only real way to stop living such a cheated life is to study, be smart, and get their asses to Todai.

but since this school is for the 'losers', teachers and even the students themselves think that they're too 'stupid' to qualify for Todai. Kenji wants to prove them wrong and first he has to recruit students into this special class first but no one wants to enter.

what happened so far (two episodes in):

Kenji first has an encounter with a student called Yusuke and has been targeting him to enter his special class ever since.

Yusuke has his own band and in the band he actually plays the trumpet. his father left the family recently, leaving his mother and him to clear the debts. he's always getting beaten up by creditors and they always come over to his house and harass his mom. they owe the creditors a total hefty amount of 3 million yen. they keep borrowing loans and stuff and can no longer pay back so everything in their house now does not belong to them but to the bank. to solve this problem, Yusuke decides to stop school, quit the band, sell his beloved trumpet for some money, and start working.

Yusuke sold his trumpet to a second hand shop. the owner offers him only 30 000 yen and he is shocked because he had bought it for 280 000 yen. he takes up the offer anyway since he's desperate for money. another day when he comes back to the shop, he discovers that his trumpet has been sold for 180 000 yen and he's upset by that. he suddenly recalls Kenji's words about being cheated. in any case, there's nothing he can do. he works at a construction site for measly pay.

one day when he comes home he finds Kenji in his house, and Kenji offers to help his family with the 3 million yen debt. he says that he will buy Yusuke's life for 3 million yen, and in return he will join his special class and aim for Todai. Kenji goes on to add that in actual fact his life right now as a 'loser' is not even worth 1 yen. Yusuke, agitated, wants to beat up Kenji but Kenji takes out the cash to show him that he's for real. however Yusuke is stubborn and he refuses to accept the money and be bribed like that. he says that he will not succumb to money in this manner. Kenji proceeds on to say really honest things, like even if Yusuke continues to work he'll never be able to pay off the interest that keeps snowballing and that the initial debt will still be there; he's cheated. he also says that even a bad punk with a bastard of a father, born in a poor family where he has been forced to move out of his home and squat on the streets, just by taking an exam and getting into Todai, will have a shot at turning his life around 180 degrees.

he then wants an answer from Yusuke, and for every five seconds he wastes, he will rip up a 10 000 yen bill. Yusuke at that moment is so frustrated and miserable because he refuses to be bribed like this and he's got more backbone than to accept other people's cash, saying that Kenji's method is underhand and dirty (he's a lawyer you know, but he doesn't seem like one). Yusuke's mother, who's really helpless, suddenly bows to Kenji and says that she will do whatever she can to ensure that their family has a happy life; she doesn't want to continue living a life in debt but Kenji apologises and says that the deal is only 'between him and Yusuke' as he wants Yusuke to make his own decision. he then turns to Yusuke and says, 'this is the reality of your life. do you still want to refuse changing the reality of your life?' Yusuke at that moment is so overwhelmed (angry and upset) that he wants to cry. he punches the floor repeatedly and trust me i thought that scene was hard to watch because i know what it's like to do something totally against your will but you know you have no choice. plus, he was really pressured for an answer. Kenji had counted out loud every five seconds and ripped a total of 3 10 000 yen bills in front of Yusuke. everytime a bill was ripped, it seriously wasn't nice to watch. if i were Yusuke i'd feel like beating the shit out of him for pushing me to the limits.

whether Yusuke agreed because he really wants to turn his life around and realises that he really cannot repay the debt by working alone or he's just agreeing for the sake of his mom we won't know, but Yusuke then becomes the first student in this special class.

the drama's portraying nothing but the truth, and it doesn't make me happy :\ sucks, doesn't it? and it's so ironic, it's labeled as comedy. i don't see anything funny so far.

Labels: :\, etc

UH OH SOMETHING BROKE THERE

found interesting stuff! Sadie's one of my favourite indie rock bands damn they rock really hard!

anyway, importance of the bass in the band! what happens when your bass strap snaps and you've got no extra bass during a live performance?

this is from one of their lives. i don't know why in the beginning of the song there seems to be fillers (or a loooong intro) when everything seems to be going fine; maybe they're just trying to rile the crowd up. aha--but then suddenly before they start to play aki's bass strap broke O_O and they didn't have another bass to replace it so to my (horror), they started without the bass. and then they played the whole song without the bass! it's a pity because it's one of my favourite songs, without the bass it's so... empty? i didn't know that it would sound this different. i mean, okay i just thought that the song wouldn't sound low or heavy enough but i always though that there's the rhythm guitar to add depth but nooooo. no bass is like, no song at all. (sucks cause in this live of theirs there seem to be a lot of technical faults. mao's mic kept screeching and stuff when it's not supposed to happen. it's supposed to be all tuned and ready >>;)

but then aki, though he had no bass to play for the entire song, had nothing to do so he ran around on stage and headbanged like whoa. that's like DFHFHDTHDSHTFDG *_* because usually he's so quiet, he hardly says anything and it's almost like he tries to NOT get noticed and during lives, he gets a little better by being all riled up but he kinda like stays in his place and silently plays the bass. BUT! THIS! is omfgwtfbbq. aki's workin' it man! i would like to see aki like that more often. but it is kinda funny to see a band play and someone else other than the vocalist is running around with nothing to do XD definitely a first seeing this.

and so this is from their previous lives instead, and it's the same song. you can compare it now, how different it is with and without the bass. Sadie power!

and SURPRISEEEEEEEE!!! Sadie gone fucking crazy with headbanging. i really like tsurugi in that wifebeater but he's ridiculously thin!

and does this song kick ass or what?! i really, really, really, really, really, like the intro! *o*

and just generally speaking, i think cause tsurugi does a lot of picking and running notes on his guitar so i think sometimes in such kind of light he can't really see what he's playing. serious! like you can tell it's difficult cause he's focusing so hard on playing his notes right he just stands there and forgets to move to the music XD

Labels: 8D, jrock

20071112

GIGGLESNORT

current motivation level is close to zero.

the holidays aren't supposed to be like this! i actually have too many things that i want to do but i can't get about doing them. i know i don't have time. i don't wanna rush and do them all and feel like time went by so fast, yet i don't want to laze around doing nothing productive even if that's exactly what i'm doing now. only about a month and a half left.

i hate mentioning time capsules but i mention them anyway, eh?

there are things that really need to be done. my heart is somewhere else. feels like it's everywhere but here..? not settled. not settled.

i would like it if my life roughly went like this:
play badminton once a while in the mornings,
go for japanese lessons and study nothing else but japanese till i get better,
have a part-time job,
and when i'm not working i'm doing my own stuff that i really enjoy (see column on right),
sleep ultra late and wake up ultra late!
and of course i would like to go on holidays occasionally.

boohoo 3 more weeks till friggin' JLPT 2. feels like i can't make it. hang on, i already feel like i can't make it for h2 japanese. even if i do make the b3 mark it's like... i know what i'm getting myself into. among the rest i'll be one of the lousier ones for sure. you have crazy people who reads the Japan Almanac(!!!) every night wtf. they know all the day's oil prices wtfbbq! and what do i know? rock, rock, and more rock. i can't compare to that! okay i digress; 3 more weeks so i gotta start studying. wish you were me, don't you?

teehee X more days before i lock this place up, save it for keeps, and (maybe) move to somewhere else. like a japanese weblog hosting site. i'd write short japanese entries, and cuss in english! if i disappear for good it's also fine, i have a secret hideout 8) the days are numbered dundundun.

ai's going to tokyo to do her university. misato's coming to singapore in february. after my birthday i think. masa's coming soon! my host family (mom, that is) replied my letter. fucking shi-a-wa-se (blessed, happy, fortunate) for that! XD she sent me back neoprints of her daughters i think tomoka is na-ma-ra men-koi (hokkaido dialect for very/damn cute/pretty)!

this post lacks love for reita so here you go. he's so funny he's always like 'SEE YOU AT THE LIVE THEN, I WANT YOU TO RIOTTTT!!!! RIOTTTTT!!! GIVE ME SOME CHAOS!!!!!' but he never fails to add 'okay but take care, and be careful about injuries' XDDDDD wtf O____o; rockstar alright. he does things like doing a live with a 39.5 degree fever and says 'i feel ok' and then totally ruins his body after that. or like he spins round and round at high speed with his bass and then trips on his shoelaces and ends up as the band's laughing stock for the night. that badass dork i want to hit him on the head with his bass haiiiiiyah! XD me be jumpin' flyin' ninja!

reita: (everyone preparing for climatic ending and then--) *trips and sits down on floor playing his bass*

backstage:
reita: *sits on couch tying shoelaces* cause i was spinning around at the end, i tripped :\ *dorky laugh*
aoi: *points at reita and tells the others gleefully* in the end he's all-- *reenacts reita by flailing his arms holding a towel and falls to the floor in a prissy manner* (does it twice! XDDDD mean. that's over-exaggerated!)
everyone else: ahahahahahahaha!!!!

i also believe that i did a post before on how he tried to get (force, maybe) the rest to repeat after him: 'say NO to drugs!' wtfbbq best campaign ever, win! XD

and then like he always does, even though you have things like

reita: *gives cameraman the finger randomly*
uruha (standing beside): you're annoying. you're mean.

but actually he's one who often says 'don't catch a cold!' and 'drink lots of water!' did i mention that he's concerned about global warming? 8] very rockstar-like o_o

i still love his bike by the way.

Labels: :\, 8D, etc, japanese, reita

20071110

LALALA not letting it get to me (trying to)

the world is like this: keep things superficial and it's the safest way out. too deep and you're a fool. a big one.

for fuck's sake i wish to yell at people that they should thinking that they are close to me when all they can do is open that mouth of theirs and claim all this bullshit when theirs actions never do justify their statement. you don't know shit, okay? and then times i want so badly for people to hear me out but i realise that after i've said my piece, y'know, it doesn't really matter if i said it or not, and i wish that i could take them back. some things have more worth when they're left unsaid. say it and it loses its meaning. but i guess people need to learn to first start saying things they really mean, and not just say it and forget it 4.583 seconds later or go back on their words. you can't erase words said easily. it's worse if you use an innocent face with an 'anything goes' attitude. it's not 'okay' >>; wtf if need be i'll hit you across the head just to get my fucking point across. YOU here, is a plural.

don't, don't, ever ever ever say one thing and do another.

just when i thought i already had a scanty amount to start with, i'm only going to narrow down more. i guess that there are certain people and things in life that i can do without. just gotta learn to give them up first. never good to think too much while you're at it.

bottom line: don't think so much about it and (i'll) be fine.

the only person i really really really x100 care about now is... missing in action. she's off to do something great that's why. and i, even being the possessive person i am, shouldn't be selfish; i should let her do her thing in peace. but i can't help it; her absence is allowing things around me to get to me. i guess it's the only time where i really think that i'm dependent on someone.

in no relation to the above, i never thought i would say this but i'm getting sick of this place. i was thinking of locking it up and just leaving it for whenever but my existence is negligible, without this place the more i'll be easily forgotten. not that a big part of it matters to me, but rather, i wish it would to just a few people.

Labels: ):, muse, shit happens